Things are getting too revealing and I guess I didn’t consider that some of the stuff I write about is not just about my life. When I think about it, I have kind of revealed too many of my own intimate thoughts as well. I just get tired of talking about masterbation and dudes from the phone. I chose to live under a microscope so to speak. Others deserve their privacy.
On to me. I’ve been thinking about weight loss. Ugh, I know that because I’m in the BBW scene that I’m not supposed to think about wanting to lose weight. Or I’m not supposed to be for weight loss surgery. Yea it’s controversial either way that you look at it. I know this, I’m tired of being a fat person. I’ve never really identified myself as a fat person, I’ve just always been fat. I’ve always tried to fight it. I can never succeed past a certain point and that becomes frustrating. My body is uncomfortable right now. I feel I’m breathing heavier because of the excess weight in my belly and I am predisposed to hyper tension which I really don’t want to develop. I want to be able to be active. I used to like working out. However, it was a lot easier to get my ass in the gym at 210 then it is at 310. There were also a lot more significant changes that were more noticeable at that weight. So much to the point were I got down to 190 and was in a size 36 501’s or size 16 in women’s jeans.
I was strong and healthy and could have sex like a marathon runner lol and in many positions. Even masterbation is being hindered at this point. Also, at some point from slouching in my chair for cam shows I managed to slip a disc out of place and the excess weight bothers that. I just really don’t want to be fat anymore. I want the fat giblets in between my legs to be gone, and I want the built in bra line to disappear so I can have normal looking tits that don’t look like I have two pair. I realize if I go ahead with this that I will be closing an entire chapter of my life and starting a new one. I see lots of girls who were a lot more heavy than me going through with it and leaving their old followings behind. Shit if they can do it, so can I. And I don’t want people to think that it’s because I think I’m not attractive. LOL Because in fact, it’s quite the opposite.
If I change my body, I will still continue to do what I do, only at a different weight. As long as I am at the weight I am at, I will continue to be proactive of it. Like I have my bbw blogs and sites and stuff and will continue to push them but this site will inevitably change. Now I have to figure out how I am going to go about doing this. I’m determined to find a way.
February 14th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
You’ll be beautiful and sexy at any weight, Nicole. Being a BBW isn’t your only appeal. I’m with you, anyway you want to go, girl!
February 14th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
Thank you Mercy!!